Can grief be the devil on your shoulder?
Is it possible for grief to turn you into a negative person? Even though you should really appreciate life more, can it make you turn against it? I think I could write a book on grief and the hundred ways it can make you feel, but for now I’ll continue with these “diary entry” type blog posts and bore the head off anyone who reads these accidently or doesn’t really care.
Its been over 2 years now since I lost my Dad, I actually think this might be my first blog post since his 2nd anniversary. It still feels like it could have been 2 weeks ago but I think that feeling might stick around forever. I write often about losing my Dad, what he taught me and how losing him changed me. It was inevitable, after all, I lost one of the most important people in my life. My Dad, my best friend and probably one of the only people in the world who really understood me. I write about how positive my outlook on life has become, how I try to see the positive in every situation and make my life the best I possibly can. Life is short, tomorrow is never guaranteed and my Dad would want me to be happy, right?
If only it was that simple. As well as becoming a more positive, relaxed person I’ve also become bitter, resentful and a tiny bit cross at the world. I suppose it’s unavoidable but up until now its the part I never really spoke about. Grief can turn you into an angry, short-fused and even selfish person. “If I can’t have my Dad, why should anyone else” kind of mentality shows its face and it definitely gave me a fright the first time it happened. I became jealous of anyone who was able to spend time with their Dad as they pleased, and very resentful of anyone who could do so but didn’t make the most of what they had. Something I’d give anything in the world to have and something that should never be taken for granted. I remember speaking to a wonderful lady I used to work with, and she spoke of how losing her Mother had made her envious of anyone who was still lucky enough to have theirs. Straight away I felt at ease, knowing I wasn’t the only one who had suddenly turned into a green eyed monster. That’s why I write these and why I’m lying here writing a blog post opening up old wounds on a Saturday night – if it makes someone feel “normal” for a moment, to have their feelings justified and to know they’re not alone with everything grief can throw at you, then it was worth my while writing it.
I used to love Christmas. The songs, the horrible weather we always get and spending time with family. My parents were separated so it was always a different Christmas day to what most of my friends had but I loved it. Now, I dread Christmas day and the lead up to it is even worse. I hate my birthday, March, June and lots of other “insignificant” days, because my Dad isn’t here. It changed everything, no occasion or Saturday morning will never be the same without him and as much as a positive outlook is always the aim its not always possible.
If you ask me, its perfectly okay to be the green eyed monster. Its fine to hate Christmas all of a sudden and you don’t have to be positive every single day. Its not realistic and unfortunately losing someone close to you is very real. Acknowledging your emotions is important and its okay to acknowledge the “bad ones” too. Everyone says its okay to cry, its okay to have a sad day etc but realise that it’s also okay to be angry, frustrated and jealous of your friend because she has her Dad and you don’t.
As I said, I could write a book on all the weird little things grief can make you feel but I think I’ve a lot more to figure out before that happens. Losing someone close to you is something you’ll never get over, and should never want to get over, but learning how to adapt to a different life can make it a bit easier, one day at a time.